I was rambling down the middle of the road in one of Milan’s less traffic-ridden streets (a new pass-time of mine) when for no particular reason the word sexy came into my head, followed by the succession of words ‘sexy sexy made out of plexi’. My first thought was then who was it that said that? Then realising it to be the banana pancake quaffing acoustic folk singer Jack Johnson, and upon a second of further reflection, my second thought; this is undoubtedly the worst lyric of all time.
Yes. The worst. Of all time. and I cannot now believe how many times I have heard this Jack Johnson lyric without noting that historical significance.
I make the above claim resolutely now, but this is of course only after research. I had to be sure that it was as meaningless and idiotic as it sounded so a quick google search of the word (if one may call it that) was warranted; maybe it had some meaning I had not yet heard of. However the google search for plexi yielded only ‘plexy’, a medical term for a form of seizure or stroke.
So from there I checked the actual lyrics of the song, and realised he is assumedly talking about some type of perspex (perhaps the only thing in the world actually less sexy than a seizure or stroke). This deduction is made from the following words; ‘unlike plastic easier to see through, just like glass but with no ring’ and we see Jack Johnson with ‘sexy sexy made out of plexi’ has dug himself a lyrical hole from which he must now desperately use the rest of the song to shovel himself out of, defending his cheap and lazy metaphor to the death. This task becomes increasingly difficult and it is not long before he is straying slightly and has added vaguely Muhammed Ali-esque characteristics to his protagonist material, singing (in a hugely cringe-inducing and oddly thrown in reggae twang no less) “learn to be shy and then you can sting.” But then, like the master of spouting non-sensical beach talk mumbo jumbo that he is, the song returns quickly on point, returning to describing more definitive qualities of perspex as the next words are “plexi plexi bend don’t shatter”, and we’re back.
I can see the difficulty though. He wanted something that rhymed with sexy, and the options are slim-pickings. In the small amount of thought I have spared it (though the writing of this post would disagree with that statement) I have arrived with what may be the only other choices that lay available to him (and I’m sure he had thought through them too):
Sexy sexy made out of T-rexy (then continue, but talking about dinosaurs)
Sexy sexy made out of rexy (then continue, but talking about a guy called Rex?)
Sexy, sexy made out of Mexi… can (then continue, talking about Mexicans being sexy)
Personally I would have picked the dinosaur option. Actually upon second thought, if I were Jack Johnson, I would’ve opted for neither of them, preferably putting the guitar down in a locked trunk before putting the key in my next banana pancake, and shitting it into the ocean the next time I was surfing. Then his problems of escaping from terrible lyrics would be solved forever. And ours.