Working hard from love
Not financial gain
I stay helping this student every night
Until 2am
I then have to walk home as I
Miss the last train
And on the 20th consecutive
Ever so tired, late night
6 kilometre walking shift
I jokingly think
Man I dont deserve this.

On the way back that night
I meet a friend
He’s having a rough time so I offer
A beer that I’ll buy
With an ear
That I’ll lend
And of course one beer
Becomes five in the end
And for my favour,
Its not until the sky is near red
That I make it to that fucking bed
Of which I’ve been craving badly
Since as early as six,
And I kind of joke;
Man you know, I don’t deserve this.

Awaking after only 4 or 5 beers
Its hard to believe
How I have the worst hangover
Of My Life.
Must be this mounting tiredness
From all these charitable nights.
Yet now
I have an 11am lesson on skype
Which again
For friends
I’m doing with hardly a fee
While bloodshot and cracked red eyes
Make their pleads
To just take a break for a day…
But these kids are
In a desperate state.
So I go vomiting
Before drawing trigonomic triangles
With trembling wrists
And I think about the disproportional hangover,
Saying how, really this time, I don’t deserve this.

Skip later to 2am
Again
Full day of lessons done, missed
The last train,
Staying so late for that student
Despite my aching chopped up brain,
I arrive at home finally
But my housemates left his keys
On the in-side of the door
While for some reason
The buzzer isn’t working anymore.
Can’t call,
Got no credit on my phone,
Too tired to think of anything else, I curl up right there cold
And alone.
If only I’d come back 3 hours earlier
As all my body had insist,
But instead I helped and am stuck lying here,
With one lousy thought; I really, definitely
Don’t deserve this.

And like at Gene Hackman,
Clint comes to stare at me on the floor
Arriving like clockwork, just as other times when I’ve similarly
Complained before
Following me around
Waiting again to use his snarling spit,
The drama he brings makes me laugh
As he always reminds me;
‘Deserve’s
got nothing to do with it.’