Let’s start off today’s revelations with a quote:
“They danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”
A dear friend sent me that extract from Jack Karouac’s ‘on the road’, and whether the intention was that he was wishing to imply I was one of these such characters is left to be known (though he was). This message really lightened up my day.
‘Desirous of everything at the same time’
I’ve been feeling like that a bit again recently, especially after hearing of another friend’s trip, and the proceeding foolishness of comparing it to my own. The tales of what he did let the scale of the world, and all it has in it, all suddenly crush down on me again, that vacuum in my chest reappeared and I felt nervy as I walked around the house afterwards.
Maybe I’ll never be completely contented by what I’ve done. Maybe there will always be something else that I feel like I should be doing. Maybe I’ll always feel like in many ways I’m making the wrong choices. I’m starting to understand that for me, the right choices will often never completely exist.
But this is just a result of my own thirsts. What I’m not content with is only because I believe in creating more. Seeing the above message clarified myself with myself. A resolution perhaps. That pang in my chest, that same feeling of complete fear and emptyness or perhaps even disappointment, born from desire to have felt more, it is not a result of my surroundings or own successes or failures. But instead, perhaps like Jack’s pals, this desire is a necessary part of a condition. It’s what makes me and comes from who I am.
And who I am is a pretty cool guy. So that’s alright.